Hello!
Photo above from RR's camera. It's a Samsung F111 Film Camera
on Kodak Gold 200 35mm film.
Recently, I found this place called "Saujana Film Labs" recommended by a friend.
It's about RM18 to develop and scan one roll of 35mm film,
and best of all they only take 2 hours to process it!
It's in Berjaya Times Square, albeit the Saujana in its name
(I was thinking of PHB Saujana).
(I was thinking of PHB Saujana).
I think henceforth I should address my friends with just initials for privacy purposes
and for any friends who wouldn't like to be posted here just holler at me.
Because... because when I was blogging last time,
digital footprint was not such a big thing, but times have changed.
I don't know why but putting pictures on blog
feels more serious compared with Instagram.
Hahhahaa. Probably because less people blog, and blogging has a longer backstory.
I've been going to KLCF more often.
The streets are much quieter, because it's Bulan Puasa (most Muslims are fasting).
VT came to visit, and I almost got a heat stroke after
walking around KL from 7AM till 12PM. T.T
Okay to be fair I was in a restaurant and cafe for like 2 hours of it, but it was still so hot!
I wish I took my umbrella with me.
We walked from Dataran DBKL to Pasar Seni.
Also! I joined Run For A Reason under Hopis Malaysia...
It would mean a lot if you guys would like to donate!
The minimum amount is RM30, and 100% of the proceeds
goes directly to Hospis Malaysia, they offer palliative care (end of life).
Thank you in advance if you'd like to donate!
If you don't, that's okay too hahahah thank you for your time.
For running, it's always been Daddy who inspired me to run.
So I'm grateful to run in remembrance of him.
He passed away on 30 March 2024. It's almost two years now.
Time flies... the first 3-6 months were filled with denial, rage, adrenaline, terror.
For the first year, I cried just about everyday.
Now the grief is more manageable, and I'm trying to find more peace in life...
But maybe it's more realistic to build more gratefulness and perseverance.
Because... because life is an experience.
Life is not easy. Everyone, everyone has their own struggles.
You, me, him, her.
Life is short, life is fragile.
People die, people get sick, people break up, divorce, cheat, move away.
You lose people. All the time.
Seasons change, things change, circumstances change.
Sometimes, in a new season with a new cast, new plot, new location.
And I'm really grateful...
To be able to live my life being his daughter.
He perfected his life from beginning until the end.
My Dad was not perfect, and he came from very difficult beginnings.
Very poor, humble beginnings. But he always knew the value of family,
and the meaning of hardwork.
He always, always showed up for his own life and his loved ones.
Through pain, through obstacles, through shortcomings, through difficulties.
He always found a way.
To persevere. To show up. To face what's in front of him.
When I was grieving, the pain was a lot.
So running helped me. With the community. With the structure.
So running helped me. With the community. With the structure.
With the constant act of showing up.
With the constant act of discipline and facing my own pain.
I'm not a fast runner, or a good runner (yet).
But I've found my own community, I've found my joy in moving my body.
I've found hope, I've found health and strength in my body.
I've found goals to work for. I've found remembrance of my Dad.
I've found ways to express myself...
So I would call that a win.
Thank you Daddy. For the hope and strength that lives on in me.
There were many days I've felt too tired to go on in life.
Like I could not give two shits anymore.
Like life was too hard (now) because I was too privileged (when Dad was around),
but then I would feel ashamed that I still feel that life is not enough,
eventhough I was privileged and I'm still privileged.
So I kept feeling that I'm not good enough.
I kept feeling angry at the world for taking my Dad away from me.
Unfortunately, nothing I did could ever replace the loss and void that Dad left me,
the day he died.
I think about how short and precious life is.
If at 20 years old, I knew I only had 10 more years with my Dad-
I would probably live life in fear. I would not have gone to UK to study,
I would not have backpacked to South America, I would not do a lot of things.
So perhaps, it's better that life works in the mystic ways that it does.
And keep trusting that everything happens for a greater good,
and you build strength along the edges of difficulties,
and it's not the end until you're dead,
and when you're dead nothing matters anyway.
Life is, in fact, an experience.
A grand one, a sorrowful one, a meaningful one, an exciting one.
And when I was 20 years old,
I remember my Dad driving me back from KL- just one of our usual Sunday routine:
going to KLCC for shopping, Chinoz for afternoon tea, chinese takeaway for dinner.
I had this passing thought- that one of my biggest fears was losing my Dad.
I just had a premonition of it happening.
And the other day when I was driving, at 32 years old,
taking the same road, now without my Dad, now with changed buildings:
I remember again what I've imagined when I was younger.
I cannot change, I cannot control, I can only accept that
the fact is, I only have Daddy for 30 years of my life.
30 extremely good ones.
He shaped me, he was there for me, every step of the way.
And to all the young people who've lost their Dad, or Mom, or sibling,
or yourself, or your baby- I don't know.
But young grief is a thing. Most people lose their parents in their 50s.
Not 10s, not 20s, not 30s. 50s.
By 25, only 3-5% have lost a parent.
By age 30, only around 1 in 7 people have lost a parent.
So, yes, I felt extremely angry that I have been robbed of my Dad.
That my Dad can't see me walk down the aisle or play with my kids if I get married.
That I can't go shopping with him on Sundays anymore.
We used to go shopping in KL every Sunday together.
Probably when I was 12 years old, until 30 years old.
Before 12, kind of the same too but more like dimsum lunch.
Can you imagine how strong that routine is? It has become tradition.
And I love that about my Dad- that he always does the same things, different day.
Structure, routine, habit, stability, peace.
because I miss him very much.
Sometimes I wake up feeling pissed and tired and I don't really know why,
until I talk or think about my Father and tears come out and I realise,
grief is the fella I have been carrying heavily in the background.
But I know that I'm so lucky to be alive, still.
I see people who are less fortunate than me, and they have a better mindset still.
They're people out there who are young like me,
but they've lost their legs, they're paralyzed, they need dialysis-
and yet they still face life with tremendous courage and hope.
So I love to document life
Because when I live a few more days, few more months, few more years-
I look back and see what I didn't see:
that I was blessed, I was surrounded by loved ones,
that I'm beautiful, that life is worth living.
and feeling nice about myself because I put effort to pour care into myself.
Because my body will keep changing,
I'll keep getting older. I cannot stop time, I cannot stop ageing.
It's just the privilege of getting older and living more life and having
more experiences.
And I know there's times I don't feel good about my body.
Times when I don't feel pretty or life is worth celebrating.
So I love to share it when I have the energy.
To remember the happy moments, to MAKE happy moments.
To have precious memories to look back on.
To create precious memories.
To create precious memories.
You get what you give...
And my dog? Someday he'll be gone too.
Just like Cabbie, Just like Chuckie.
MY TWO DEAD DOGS.
I miss wearing boots like I did in UK winter.
I still love to read like I did when I was 10 years old,
spending all my weekly allowances at Kinokuniya.
Always love a good sunset picture.
I'm so grateful for friends who take great pictures.
A closet full of clothes, a book shelf full of books I want to read
Kisses with my dog Cotty
Indeed I am more blessed than I care to appreciate...
Ok that's all
I hope you feel blessed too
xoxo, Bubu.
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