KarenBubu.blogspot.com: Black & White Film (Olympus Mju Camera), Grief, Life- First Post Back at Blogspot

Hello! Welcome to my new blog home.

It's now the year 2026.

I've had a blog since 2009.

I moved from blogspot to wordpress to blogspot once again.

Because... they have unlimited photo storage here and wordpress only has it for 3GB!

SO NOW I'M BACK.

I really miss sitting down and posting my favourite photos that I've taken recently.

To remember places I've been, make life special. To express, to create.

Back in my days, digital footprint was not a thing.

You could be free online. It was mostly young people having fun on the internet-

myspace, friendster, blogspot, facebook, instagram when it was photos only.

Tiktok came. Reels came. Shorts came.

After iPhone 11, I feel that everyone just got super glued to their phones- myself included.

Sharing became a business. Influencers. Adults. Big corporation.

It's no longer as simple as sharing personal things.

So I find myself being drawn to long form things, analogue things. Slow down. Expand on things.

I don't know how to describe it.

This is an Olympus Mju-i or Olympus Infinity Stylus.

I got it for RM550 (I think?) from Bang Bang Geng, Publika, back in 2021 (?)

I think it was after the second Covid-19 lockdown, or the first one- I don't remember.

And I found a roll of Kentmere Film that I haven't developed- along with Fuji Superia C200.

I just kinda forgot about it.

It's crazy that it's now February 2026. These photos were from 2023/2024.
And they came out perfectly fine!

I got them developed at Bang Bang Geng Publika for RM36 per roll,

but Darkroom is cheaper at RM18 per roll.

I really love the photos that came out from the black & white roll (Kentmere 100).

I love the grain, the halation, the texture, the values, I love how classic it looks.

This is my Dad, frozen in time.

He died back in March 2024, so I held a special kind of anticipation waiting for these photos to develop... It's like getting access to someone limited, someone no longer around.

Ooops, I'm now playing Space Song by Beach House, I'm on the feels train.

Blogging can become like being in flow... anything, can become flow state.

For me, it is when I'm in the moment, when I'm feeling, when I'm present.

When I'm painting, journaling, running, talking to a friend, hiking.

Life is still beautiful, though my Dad is around.

I've just noticed that I'm beside my Dad in this picture- it was a selfie.

I recognised my shoulder mole and bucket hat.

But what a lovely angle I got while not looking!

Here is an act of filial duty and tradition- during Qing Ming 2023.

My Dad, giving incense for his father.

I knew of my grandfather, he died when I was around 7 years old.

The smoke in this picture really adds to the vibe, and the highlights on the paper offerings look shiny.

I almost feel like sketching this.

I love capturing candid moments- when people are not posing, when they are not aware of the camera, when they are present. They look like how they do when I'm being with them, when I observe them, when I interact with them. It feels real and raw, and brings me back to the moment that I was there. And love stays with the people I love.

Here is my grandmother. She did not remarry or dated anyone else.

She is always strong, always of good and sturdy character, always with good morals.

My Dad tried his best to take care of her, and I can see that he got the good traits from my grandmother, too.

Here is a photo of my Dad, it was at Woh Gei, because the table is brown and the cup holder has patterns. Dad likes to drink Teh C Ngalat, or Cham sometimes. I don't know what they are.

I miss going to breakfast with him.

In fact, I miss going to breakfast, lunch, and dinner with him.

I miss going out on Saturday nights to have dinner at 1U with him.

I miss going out to Pavilion on Sunday 4PM with him.

He's the glue of the family.

We didn't return to our hometown for two years for Chinese New Year.

I miss him more this CNY.

He carried the spirit of CNY for me.

Buying the food, decorations, getting people together. Sometimes, roast pork and firecrackers on Chor 9. Sometimes, hiring lion dance for the house. A lot of times- we got to go Han Room, Unique Seafood, Grand Imperial, Tang Room, Noble Mansion.

I miss that he is generous. I miss that he is capable. I miss that he was my shelter, my provider, my Dad, my source of unconditional love and acceptance, and the fact that he loved to take care of me. He was always there for me.

He would give, give, and give. And he would not expect any round of applause. If you thanked him, he would say- that's my job. That's how much of a provider he was.

And he went through a lot of hardships and struggles, and built up the man he became. Life wasn't easy for him, but he got tougher and better. He kept growing, he kept preservering. Through pain, through poverty, through building a business, through raising a family, through all his own struggles.

Some days, life gets a lot for me.

Because grieving my Dad isn't easy. I've been very blessed, very privileged, very loved, very taken care of. And so, my loss was huge. My loss is huge.

There is also a struggle for me to admit it, because I feel shameful of myself, that I cannot shoulder this loss as well as I expect myself to.

Because, before he died, he told me to take care of myself, to not cry so much. But I struggle. I struggle to not cry. I struggle to take care of myself.

But it's okay. It's a learning process.

Life is a struggle. Everyone deals with their own pain. All you can do, is try your very best to grow from it. Take breaks, cry, rest, try again.

Sentosa Island, Singapore, 2023.

Lima, Peru, 2023.

Before my Dad passed, I had wanted to spend a year to backpack around the world.
To travel. To see different things. To come back a changed person.

To get out of my comfort zone. To see different cultures.

To be a different person.

Somehow, I haven't had the courage to do so.

I could, if I really wanted to.

But I haven't.

I would love to, someday.

Because... I can't keep looking back and ignoring my dreams and goals.

Because... I can't keep staying the same and not venture outside.

I wouldn't mind if I didn't have this urge, but I've had this urge since 2022.

it's now 2026, and I still haven't taken the leap of faith yet.

So let's see how things goes in the future.

Bali, Dec 2023.

Birthday! March 2023, Haru.

In the meantime, I got to spend a lot of time with friends and families.

Maybe that's what I needed, too.

Especially after losing my Dad.

To build my own community, to spend time on my hobbies, to spend more time on my business, to spend time with friends, to build my routine.

I've tried traveling after my Dad passed, but it just isn't.. the same.

I'm not as adventurous nor carefree as I used to be.

When I was younger, I knew that Dad would be here to catch me. Solid ground. Strong hands. Capable brain. Provider mindset. I didn't have much to be afraid of.

Now... my gut is not so strong. I get seasick and motion sick and claustrophobic often.
I get tired easier. I want to go home sometimes and just do nothing.

I struggle to be present and trust in the present, to go with the flow.

I struggle. I struggle to eat properly, I struggle to sleep.

And so, that's life after Dad died.

My childhood nightmare, that I'm currently living through.

I guess I'm adept at complaining. And some people may say it's not good to look back in the past, and you should move on. But I can't. My present is this- I've lost my Dad. It is a part of me. I can carry it with me, but I can't hide it all the time- it's just not how I deal with grief.

And sometimes, after all the crying, moping, whining, shouting, panic attacks, depression- there is still strength to feel joy, feel love, feel present, be grateful, be in awe. I need to feel both the good and the bad in order to feel, at all. If I don't feel the bad, it's hard for me to feel the good, either.

I think my best life decisions come from extreme impulsivity or spontaneous ideas.

Backpacking to Brazil for 3 weeks. Opening up my business. Signing up a marathon. Building a run club.

Sometimes, you gotta do it before you're ready. Do it before you let other people's judgements get to you. Do it before you're too scared.

It's hard to think for myself sometimes when I'm so connected to social media.

Maybe, one day, I will leave my iphone and social media and go for a dumb phone (like a flip phone), or just don't use technology so often. I crave for a simpler life, with peace and nature, with less expenses, less traffic, less materials. Back to nature, you know? Or maybe I'll do that for a month or a year and get bored and miss city life. Hahaha. I don't know.

But one thing I know, is that change is constant and you need to be brave to take hold of the life you want. The pain, the suffering- they will all come. In the meantime, decide how you want your life to be and do your best to create that life.