Looking back on my earlier years

 

Let's take a trip down memory lane.

I found a lot of old pictures on my old google drive, 

thanks to blogging. 

In my old blog (which I have now closed down, maybe since 2019), 

I was blogging from 2009 till 2017- there were 588 posts with my most being 2010-2013. 

From the age of 15 till 23, I was basically constantly blogging. 

Some posts had up to 2k words, 50 pictures- which was a lot back then. 

The blog had 270k views- because I would often blog about places I've went

and people would google about them and my blog

would show up on google search.

As I grew older, I realised things that younger me posted no longer

reflected the person I became. 

Some of the stuff I posted was HORRENDOUS to read back. 

I was totally cringey and in my little world. 

And the funny thing is...

I probably would still feel and sound really cringey to myself

5 years down the line. 

So anyway maybe I should just express myself freely 

and delete them few years down the line. 

I think digital footprint wasn't a big deal back then, 

because people used social media as a personal thing-

like MSN, friendster, myspace. 

There was not really a point to "go viral" or be "boycott"

The stakes were not high. You just posted for your own enjoyment.

You got your entertainment from E!, or MTV, or TVB. 

Now, people get cancelled- especially influencers who earn money from social media. 

What I'm saying- is that I miss the part of myself that created freely 

and saw life as a special occasion. 

I miss those kiddy days of vintage birthday parties 

with vitagen, KFC, red eggs, a fruit cake. 

And from my childhood pictures, 

I do see that my Dad did the same thing- 

treating life as a special occassion!

If there was a special occasion to be commemorated, 

he would get his camera out. 

He had film cameras, digital cameras, DSLR. 

Inevitable, either me or my brother would end up poaching them. HAHHA

Some shots in Genting, at home, at the kindergarten, in Gold Coast, Australia.

12 years old at Las Vegas, USA. 

Apparently, if you got a US visa it's best if you keep renewing it, 

but I did not :> 

At Gold Coast when I was four years old- surprisingly, 

I do remember trying to chase a kangaroo near the hotel with some cornflakes.

It ran away bc of me, to the disappointment of my Dad and brother hahahhaa.

And being obsessed with koalas. And learning about wombats and platypus. 

Another one at Phuket, Thailand. I think this was at Holiday Inn maybe? 

I remember making beaded bracelet with an ang moh friend

and watching A Bug's Life. I was 8 years old. 

This one was at Langkawi. 

 

Daddy at Zoo Negara. 

In my high school years. 

I was a nerd basically from 9 years old - 15 years old.

And then things flipped and I became a "party girl".

I did not really know how to dress up or "look pretty" before the age of 17.

I think I also didn't have the interest to do so. Or maybe just clueless. 

Hmm. I was also a bit more chubby, because I was uninterested in sports and exercise.

I hated Sports Day and would wish for it to be over. 

I hated group sports because I wasn't close with many friends who liked doing sports. 

I had a very small group of friends, and usually just 1-2 best friend that I would stick with. 

Part of it was also because my parents divorced when I was 9 years old,

so I carried a spirit of abandonment and rejection.

I wish that I could go back and give her a hug.

And tell her that she's beautiful inside and out. 

I think she would be very proud and inspired by the person I have become today. 

That I run a business, that I am shouldering grief, 

that I keep a lot of creative hobbies, that I am into sports, 

that I can make friends and build my own community. 

I definitely wasn't confident in myself growing up.

I felt a lot of envy towards peers who had their family with them.

In my eyes, they had "complete" families, and I came from a broken family.

I didn't really like to talk about it in my teenage years. 

I would feel hot shame on my cheeks when I tried to think about it. 

But I still had a lot of love for everyone, 

and also a heart of forgiveness. 

I believed that everyone has good intentions, 

and if they're not good, maybe it's because they're struggling

due to their current circumstances. 

It's hard for people to be nice if they're struggling for survival. 

You would kill for bread if you're hours away from death by starvation. 

Because I often kept to myself, 

I was very introverted. 

I had a lot of hobbies. 

I would read a lot of books- from the library at school, 

from the pocket money that my Dad gave, which I would use at bookstores.

Times, MPH, Popular, Borders, Kinokuniya. 

I'm happy that more bookstores have been opening up

like Kinokuniya, Eslite, Tsutaya, Book Xcess. 

I went to Taiwan and Australia again with my family in my teens

To this day, I would never forget that day...

When I told my Dad I wanted a Mini Cooper for my first car 

(after initially telling him I was okay with a Myvi, lol),

he showed up one day at my school with my new car!

It was a Mini Cooper S in red, a recon one with 5 years of use.

I used it for 7 more years.

In the end, it broke down once or twice on the road due to the gear. 

It was a really fun car and saw me through 17 - 24 years old. 

I would be fine to continue using it if it didn't break down!

My Dad also got me an Iphone 3GS, and then I changed to iPhone 4s, 

then iPhone 6, then iPhone 8 plus, then iPhone 13- which I am still using.

I never really let cringe stopped me from experimenting. 

I miss that part of me, actually!

I had the ambition of being a fashion designer at that time- 

when I was 18 years old.

My Dad always encouraged my dreams, he didn't ask me to do finance or marketing 

eventhough if I look back now, my selected education choice might 

not be so sustainable. 

I loved doing fashion illustrations and drawing. I loved to buy books on drawing, and magazines.

I would look at them and draw them.  

Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Marie Claire, Glamour- I loved to buy magazines and looking

at the editorials. I was familiar with all the models and designers of the time- Karlie Kloss,

Jessica Stam, Anja Rubik, Freja Beha.

Oh and America's Next Top Model. And fun shows like The Simple Life. 

I finished my Advanced Diploma from Raffles- the course was 

2 years and 6 months if I remembered correctly. 

I attended when I was 19 until I graduated at 21 years old. 

18 year old me - you can see the Tumblr trend here. HAHA

I also did a few promoter jobs-

working as a promoter for handphone brands, 

and also as a sales advisor at Burberry The Gardens. 

17 years old onwards, most of my pocket money went to going out with friends, 

buying new clothes, make up. 

I would always have a new pile of clothes waiting for me, and

I would wear them in a couple of weeks, 

then I would buy more clothes again.

It was form > function.

I don't know how I did it, but I often trudged all over Kuala Lumpur

in my high heels. Often four and a half inches high,

sometimes five inches with platforms. 

The higher the better. 

Because you never want to look short in pictures, 

especially beside your friends. 

Petite was not really a look back then, leggy models were. 

I already had haters at this point. HAHAHAH.

I think I was just very showy with myself and attention-seeking,

which I think I still am now, but just a bit more self aware. 

People would mock my poses I think-

you know, people would talk and you would find out from word of mouth.

Honestly, I don't really care about people talking bad- I just don't want to know about it.

Like if you're my friend and you know someone talks bad about me, 

I would rather not know- because 100% my first reaction would be to confront

or scold the person who was talking bad about me- that's just the kind of person I am. 

But I do appreciate if I act funny and my friend tell me to tone it down.

I think as I grow older, it's easier to take things less personally and accept criticism. 

After all, I don't 100% like everyone too and that is fair. 

My Dad was coming up on new money, and his way to show us love 

and motivate himself (I think?) was to splurge on us with luxury goods. 

I think it was also because it was poor, so status symbols were an aspiring getaway for him.

A sign that he has made it, a sign that he deserves good things.

And he does- he worked hard. He shows up everyday.

He doesn't like to take holidays or leaves. 

Work for him is a privilege and something he enjoys, something he identifies with. 

As for me, I was just happy to be a professional stay at home daughter 

(the term did not exist then).

I had massive amounts of hair when I was younger, 

so much so that I always cut layered hair so that my hair would dry faster

and wouldn't "weigh me down".

Because of my clubbing habits, I also lost my baby fat.

If I looked back, maybe it was waking up late like 11AM and skipping breakfast, 

exercising on the dancefloor, wearing tight clothes that did not allow me to eat

until I was too full. I did not start going to the gym until I was 19/20.

Bleached hair and dip dye was also a trend at the time, so I bleached my hair.

I took a digital camera whenever I went out. 

I spent lots of time trying to match my outfit for the day. 

Often, my bedroom floor would be a mess with piles of clothes on the floor

by the time I was done.

One of my childhood fears was losing my Dad.

It's kinda cruel to think that at 20 years old, 

I would only have 10 more years with my Dad. 

However, I do not have much regrets...

because I spent most of the time in the same house with my Dad.

I saw him for breakfast, lunch, dinner, on weekdays- at least a few days a week. 

I saw him lots during that year I was unemployed and when I worked with him. 

And every Saturday night we would have family dinner, 

and every Sunday afternoon we would have shopping and tea time and dinner together.

So I do not have much regrets in terms of not spending enough time with him,

because my time with him was limited,

but we spent a lot of it together. 

And you know, I talked about how I felt I had a broken family?

If I look back, I would say that I had a very good family.

My Dad and stepmom was always there, as was my brother.

We always spent time together and lived in the same house.

As I got older, I also got to understand my mom better and spend more time with her again,

and I got to communicate what I felt hurt and angry about.

I went full blonde too. 

This was my rebellious stage. My poor Dad had a difficult time dealing with me.

I wouldn't listen to him and I disliked authorities at this time. T.T

I was definitely not a grateful kid here, despite the privileges my Dad continued

to give me. 

If there's anything- my Dad showed extraordinary amounts of 

patience, acceptance, trust, and unconditional love towards me. 

As a result, I never had to rebel long. HAHAHA. 

I think I had this phase for like one year. 

Then it became pink.

A what's in my bag of a 19 year old girl in 2015.

After that, I had to cut it all off because it got really damaged. 
Ever since then, I never dipped my toes into bleaching my whole head of hair. 

Here's some of my chubbier phase with short hair.

And then it grew longer, and I box dyed my hair. 

It could get really light from box dye.

I worked at SUB too as a promoter. 

I started going to the gym and lost the weight I gained and a bit more.

I loved the pictures I took during this period!

At this time, OOTD were a huge thing on Instagram, inspired by Lookbook. 

My blog and IG was a bit more popular during this period, 

because I would take a lotttt of outfit pictures. 

See! I was always in heels!

There was a pair of Jeffrey Campbell inspired Lita heels that I got from Forever 21

that I enjoyed wearing because they were tall but comfortable. 

After looking at all these pictures, WAOW.

Maybe being skinny and young is the outfit. 

And I don't really understand how I pulled off the outfits I wore last time?

The colours? The cut? 

Looking back made me realise how much I had fun with dressing up,

I do miss that! And to trust that after every glow down is a glow up period. 

After completing
Raffles, I got shipped off to UK to study 

Bachelor's Degree in Fashion Marketing.

Ok maybe I will continue more in next post.

Bye bye!

xoxo Bubu