[Imagine if I'm 80 years old, looking back on my life now...]
Dear Karen, it's your 32nd birthday this month! Your birthday falls on 3.21.2026,
You're still young, you still have energy,
you're still healthy, you're surrounded by family and friends
who celebrate your birthday with you.
You have a car to drive around,
You have a home, your own room.
You have a dog called Cotty.
You have a lot of time to do your hobbies,
meet up with friends.
You hate yourself sometimes for not being able to "get life"
as an adult, because now you've got responsibilities you've never had.
You clean your own room, do your own laundry,
you pick up after yourself now.
You don't have a housekeeper anymore,
You don't have family in the background watching TV.
Your Dad is no longer alive,
as your safety net, constant companion, provider, protector, mentor, father.
You're still single, unmarried, no kids.
You tell yourself it's better than being married to the wrong person,
And that you can take this time to learn to be happy alone anyway.
Deep down, you still wish to be a mom and have a family of your own.
It has been two years, in about 6 days.
He died on 30 March 2024.
It was the day you felt that you lost everything.
Your world came crashing down,
The foundation that you were built in shattered.
And you can no longer be the same again.
The void you feel is still there.
You wished he passed away on April instead,
so you don't have to be reminded of his death on your birthday month.
He tried hard to hang on for your birthday.
He tried hard to hang on for your birthday.
He kept saying this is the fate he needs to accept.
He felt death coming. He dreamt about his father coming to see him.
He limped to the bakery to get you your favourite cake.
A burnt cheesecake.
On birthdays, he's the one you'll celebrate with on your actual birthdate.
It doesn't matter which day it was, rain or shine, sick or death nearing-
he would have your favourite cake ready.
He knows what you like.
He cares about what you like.
You watched a new movie called "Project Hail Mary".
A smart scientist, taken against his will on a suicide mission.
He wakes up from an induced coma, to find two of his other colleagues
on the space ship, dead.
He finds a friend in an extra-terrestrial being called Rocky.
Their bond reminds you of your pet, Cotty.
And the loneliness of space- how your loved ones
are in a different dimension and you can no longer reach,
the space you cannot cross... it reminds you of the separation
between you and your Dad.
It is final. The distance is huge. He drifts further from you as time goes on.
Maybe you had to push him away a little so that you can survive
with less of the grieve.
You feel less than you did before.
A little less alive, a little less energy.
You feel more afraid of being in this world.
You complain about how tough life is,
but you do get up everyday to try to make the best of it.
I hope that you continue to carry on,
because who knows, of what good things may lie in store for the future?
After all, life is a privileged journey.
If you have the chance to experience it, try your best.
Everyone's days are numbered....
You visit a nursing home for the elderly to visit your loved one.
You see then, how short life is.
When you were younger, in your twenties,
before you turned 28, before you knew Dad had cancer-
you felt invincible.
A life filled with possibilities and potential.
Your dreams, charged with legacy and the surety of your Dad's capability
to provide resources.
You spoke louder, you lived more unapologetically,
you lived bigger, louder, brighter, bolder.
You took risks for yourself instead of
looking what everyone else wants you to do.
It's been so tough surviving the past two years, hasn't it?
I wish that I can give you a warm and long hug,
to tell you that you are stronger than you ever know.
You know,
You tried to imagine how bad Dad's death could be when he was actively dying-
having anticipatory grief.
Even then, the depths of pain of him actually dying,
could not be imagined well enough.
You could read about it, you could watch it in movies.
But you can never understand true grief until it really happens.
It cuts to the bone, takes you like a whirlwind and a tornado,
spits you out with no mercy, then crashes down on you like a tsunami,
then strikes you everytime you get up, rains on you after a few sunny days.
But here's the thing.
The pain of grief was worse than you ever imagined,
But your strength and will to live is more powerful than you every imagined.
You are stronger, than you ever imagined.
The emotional pain that you go through.
The shit you had to eat, the reality you have to face,
the problems you have to deal, the mess you have to clean up.
It's lonely. But you keep going.
You still have hope.
You still find a lot of things to be grateful for.
You're still privileged.
a candle softly dancing in the background (Pumpkin Pecan Waffles).
Your dog is freshly showered, he loves you a lot.
You packed your outfit for tomorrow.
You wrote your to-do list and schedule for tomorrow.
You get to host a run tomorrow, see your friends, see your loved ones.
You have food in the fridge, fruits and fish you bought from the supermarket.
You have books to read, journal to read in,
a piano to play, a stove to cook on, a laundry rack to hang fresh clothes.
A bike to ride under the warm sun, shoes to carry you comfortably across miles and miles.
You can run a full marathon tomorrow if you need to, your body is healthy!
It would hurt after, but you're capable of it.
You watch videos of people doing Ironman,
people doing Moab 240, people recovering from poverty,
people surviving from abuse. You are looking for inspiration.
Maybe, this time is for you to build a life for yourself.
Everything is your responsibility now.
And Dad laid a really strong foundation.
He would love for you to take care of yourself
and love yourself.
He spent so much energy, effort, intention, sacrifice, hardwork,
perseverance, grit, strength- he gave his all to bring you up.
He kept asking you to further your studies.
He gave you money to start a business.
He believed in all your silly dreams and hobbies.
He bought you a piano. Brought you to your piano exams.
Attended all your graduations. Brought the whole family to UK
for your graduation.
Gave you lots of blessings. Fed you everyday.
Made sure you had good food to eat three times a day.
Fetched you to school. Bought you food for breakfast on weekends.
Fetched you to school. Bought you food for breakfast on weekends.
Bought you your car, your dog, your room.
Gave you money to use on your hobbies.
Brought you to travel, gave you money for your own travels-
even when he thought the places you go were dangerous.
Maybe you can't grieve all the time,
or cry all the tears that you need to cry.
But it's okay, Karen.
You don't have to figure everything out now.
He was here for you for 30 years.
You've lost him for 2 years.
You're trying earnestly, I know.
And that's more than enough.
Thank you for trying.
On days you felt lonely.
Days you felt like giving up.
Days you felt depressed and no energy.
Days you felt like everyone you wanted to stay has left.
Days when you felt like people don't care.
Days when you don't see the point for yourself.
And then you keep going on.
And you realise you're stronger than you imagined.
You learned something new, you have a new piece of hope-
from encounters, from movies, from books, from journaling,
from walking.
Some days you keep going, and you feel so happy at the end of the day.
Knowing you've done your best, you've created good new memories.
You've tried your best to right your wrongs or try to overcome hurdles.
Some days you keep going, and you realise that people
do care about you and love you.
You get handwritten notes, souvenirs, gifts, people asking to spend time with you.
And that means the world to you.
\
You got to dress up and go for a nice dinner for your birthday.
Your friends surprised you with cake!
And another cake! With your beloved friends!
Mille Feuille Pastry from Park Lounge !
You love Tendon because it feels like eating chips.
You also got to treat yourself with some new clothes
(call it belated CNY shopping!), a pair of pink Cyber Dyno Oakleys,
a pair of Asics Trabuco 4 for hiking (it was 20% off for birthday month!).
You still celebrate with the same bunch since 2022, it's been 4 years.
because both your grandparents birthed a lot of kids.
Lucky you, because did you know some people can have
no relatives...... (only child parents and only child kid).
Shopping still makes you happy
As does Japanese food and pink items.
Because in your childhood and in your family,
if it was pink, the family knew it was yours.
So it became your safe colour.
You really like Tendon recently.
This is from Konnichiwa.
You love walks, it feels relaxing and you love the sun,
and the way the trees and leaves look bright green
because of the sun highlighting them.
You still love to dress up and take pictures.
You kinda don't understand how you used to walk for hours
in four to five inch heels.
You had high tolerance for discomfort in the name of style back then!
The grass is green!
You still have a lot of hair.
You got your first pull up unassisted the other day.
But you haven't been able to do it again yet, hahha.
You rely on the iPad a lot for background noise.
Because... growing up, there was always your family watching TV
in the living room.
You're not used to being alone, and that's okay!
Your dog Cotty is so cute.
Sometimes you feel sad that he will die too, one day.
So you forgive him more when he pees at the wrong place.
And try to hug him tighter.
You're not so naive about death anymore, unfortunately.
You went for track in a pretty stadium called Stadium Merdeka,
with your friends.
Your room full of books.
You have everything you need to do well in life.
You get to be a part of a running community, and it's been so fun.
To show up for runs and see your friend, to run a run club.
